Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours
Honestly, I've been sad.
I went from dancing and singing with hundreds of kids daily to dancing and singing to myself in my bedroom mirror.
I went from living with 20 some people to living with 3.
I no longer wake up to the view of Lake Atiland or the volcanoes in Antigua. I no longer have ministry days scheduled out for me. I don't worship with the people who listened to my heart when all I could do was cry. I can't walk the streets shouting "hola" to everybody who passes by (I mean I could, but I just don't think that's a regular thing here in my tiny town).
My life has radically changed, but I have felt quite alone in that change. All week, I have dwelled on the facts of what is no longer. I've dwelled on the fact that that season is over, and now, God has a new one for me.
The feeling of going back to "normal life" has been quite depressing. I have been frustrated with the plain materialism here in America. I have been angry at the fact that ungratefulness is such a common trait here. I lived in a country where most of the people lived off of $2 on a daily basis. I visited homes that were literally made out of cardboard walls and tin roofs. I helped build a home out of three dirt filled rooms that were slanted on a mountain. I have been sad, because I feel like people "just don't get it".
Well, Jesus spoke truth over those feelings today. He gave me a new light to the darkness that I have been hiding in.
My God is the same God here as He was in Guatemala. He doesn't change. His love doesn't change. It conquers.
My love should not change just because I am not in that season anymore.
I walked back into my church today with the phrase "I broke your heart for what breaks mine". Now, sometimes, God has to gently repeat His words in my ear, because I can be stubborn. Again, He repeated to me "I broke your heart for what breaks mine".
Jesus did that.
He did that for me.
I am in a season of heartbreak, because God wants to reveal to me of His reckless love.
Like my heart is breaking for the people I left behind in Guatemala, our God's heart breaks every time we choose to leave Him. Every time we choose the world over Him, His heart breaks. He is jealous for our love. He wants all of our hearts -- not just half, not just a little. He wants it whole. He treasures a whole relationship. He treasures being able to comfort us when we are hurting, heal us when we are broken, and love us when we feel unloveable.
In the middle school small group I lead, we talked about David. We didn't talk about the heroic, "oh I defeated Goliath with three stones" David. We talked about David "who killed the man who's wife he was sleeping with" David. We weren't talking about a perfect David. We talked about David who sinned and did wrong. We often forget about that David. That is the same David who God used to write the Psalms. That is the David who God used in a powerful way.
God doesn't use wholesome, perfect, "oh, I never do anything wrong" people. He uses imperfect sinners. He uses broken people.
That was comforting to me, because I am broken.
I am a plain sinner.
I cannot do life on my own.
I am in a season of heartbreak, but God is bringing fruit through that.
I am a scarred human, but He is showing me healing through that.
I didn't know that my heart would hurt so bad, but I also didn't realize how our God's heart hurt so much more for us -- small, messy humans.
I am dancing more lively now, because of the breath He breathes on my dry bones.
God is breaking my heart to make His grace more evident. He is showing me to love like Him -- without borders, without hesitation, with all of my heart and not in pieces. The ground I stand on now is radically changed, and I am hungry for more of it. Yes, I am hurting right now, but God is revealing so much to me through it. I am a big mess, but even through that, God wants me to continue running to Him, so He can use me.
So yes, Lord, break my heart for what breaks Yours.
I want to breathe more of Your air, pour out more of Your love.
Our God is a cool God to be able to worship. He knows exactly what our hearts need, and sometimes, that is a few cracks and crevices -- cracks so that His light shines more brightly through.
Philippians 4:9 // " Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."