Guatemala, The Place That Broke My Heart
I desire a faith like Daniel had.
A faith that trusts God more than a fear for man.
I desire a faith like Ruth.
A faith that persists despite her circumstances.
I desire a faith like Job.
A faith that isn't abandoned even when it was hard.
I desire the faithfulness that our Father has for us -- relentless, abounding, eternal.
Four weeks in a foreign land and two different homes was quite the adventure. God taught me a lot. He didn't just teach me. He broke me, molded me, tested me, and formed me.
He told me to be still when I doubted that I could hear his voice.
He told me to be patient when I sang and danced to the same songs over and over again.
He told me to have compassion for the kids who couldn't walk or play in the CP hospital.
He told me to be kind to the elderly who made fun of my Spanish skills.
He told me to be present when having a conversation with a complete stranger.
He told me to listen when I sat in silence.
Above all, He taught me to love recklessly.
Love with the intent on loving big. No boundaries involved. Intimacy precedes fruitfulness, I've learned. I've feared intimacy for the longest time, but I feel that season is behind me now. Our Father is faithful and more than lovely. He's jealous for our affection and desires our intimacy. Fruit reflects life and is so abundant when we let our chains be broken, our heavy gates be opened by the Father who writes "free" on each of our names. Antigua and San Pedro. My mission trip did not stop once I left those two places I called home. My mission continues once I get to my actual home.
I have been trying to write over and over, but my grief has captivated me. Who knew I would fall in love in a month? Who knew that my heart would be changed, molded, and broken a thousand times over? It has been hard leaving a place that I only called "home" for a month. It has been hard not living with twenty plus people. It has been hard not having the community I had there.
I am talking a lot about hardships. While there were a lot of those, there was also a lot of prosperity.
He also heals.
I was able to see that in ways more than one.
He healed the broken heart that I had shoved so deep inside.
He showed me that the fatherless were cared for and looked after.
He revealed to me that joy is new every morning, because that is who our God is. He is joy. He renews it daily.
My heart beats a little faster now, because it is no longer in pieces. I had given my heart away in shards. I gave it to people. I gave it to the world. I gave it to a place that didn't deserve it. My Father doesn't extend His love in pieces, so why am I? His love isn't shattered or even battered. His love is so obvious and whole. When our eyes aren't blinded by the chaos of our circumstances, we see that our Father has been right there through it all.
When my feet first hit Guatemala's earth, I knew something was there for me, but I wasn't exactly sure. I knew that God wanted to show me something, but again, I wasn't sure. Here is the thing about myself -- I am unsure about a lot of things. I am insecure and quite unbalanced in life. Our days in Guatemala flew by, and I was trying so hard just to listen. I kept hearing silence. With every child I held, there was just silence. With every view I witnessed, there was silence.
I stopped trying to throw myself into chaos for God to do something big out of it. I started being still in that silence.
Three times, He has repeated this verse to me: Isaiah 43:19 //
"Behold, I am doing a new thing: now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness".
Even now as I sit in my room in the States, He is repeating to me that "He is going to do a new thing". Remember, how I told you that I am uncertain? God taught me to take that uncertainty and give it to Him. He is a secure God who knows all the unknowns and takes care of you in the uncertainty. He is a reckless God who loves recklessly.
Jesus teaches through people -- not just people like Daniel, Ruth, and Job. Also people like, Abbi, the little girl who taught me to love with open arms. People like Veronica who taught me to give my future to the One who knows it all. People like Gloria who taught me to live transparently. People like Haiti who taught me joy despite the fact that she lived off less than $2 a day. People like Mirabel who taught me generosity through a humble heart.
So here is to the season that God taught me to show up in people's life, don't just be present but be involved. God gave me a courage and boldness for something bigger than just climbing a volcano but for loving people intimately and intentionally.